Tuesday, September 16, 2008

All Cried Out---Not

I thought I had finished all of my crying over Tucker. However, I discovered two nights ago that this is not the case after all.

The night that Tucker died, I paid the vet clinic almost $400; I put it on a credit card with no qualms because 1) Tucker was worth every penny and more...and 2) I knew that I would receive some reimbursement from my pet insurance policy. I have put off filing the claim because it was too painful to have to deal with it at the time. I even considered not filing at all because I simply did not want to re-live any of it (you have to complete a narrative explanation of the medical event). But as I looked over my Capital One statement on Sunday night, it occurred to me that I need to file this claim so that I can get my balance paid down. Besides, it had already been 2 months and 18 days since he'd died (but who's counting?); that was ample time for me to get myself into a better emotional state, right?


I began to fill out the claim form, and--to my surprise--I cried. As I wrote his name, his gender, and his breed, the tears began to flow. By the time I finished writing the entire blow-by-blow for the narrative portion, I was sobbing as hard as I did on the night that he died. I cried for a good half hour afterwards until I finally fell asleep.

I called the after hours clinic yesterday to ask if I could take the claim form there this week so that the attending vet (Dr. Ewing) could sign it. I started to cry during the conversation, and I kept crying afterwards. I'm quite certain that I'll cry when I enter the clinic tomorrow night and wait for Dr. Ewing to sign my form.

Last night, I forced myself to watch videos I made of Tucker. This was the first time I've watched any of them since he died. I thought that I should just bite the bullet and meet my grief head on. Over and over and over again I watched the video I've posted here. I cried each time I watched it, but in a good way. I felt liberated and relieved after having done so.

I wanted to share the video here, but the file was too big to upload onto Blogger. Much to my chagrin, I posted it on You Tube so that I can embed it here. I'm reluctant to use You Tube because this video is very special to me, and I really do not want to expose it to the cowardly Internet idiots who post abusive and mean-spirited comments while they hide behind their online anonymity. Therefore, I have disabled the comments function on You Tube. The idiots can look but they can't touch.

This was taped last October. I had just bought a new comforter set for my bed, and I was attempting to put the new bed skirt on. Tucker showed up and "helped". I love this video because you can see his bright eyes and sweet face. His facial expressions were always so sweet and knowing. He had just turned 13, but you can see how playful he was. He was definitely in touch with his inner kitten.


Brooke said...

What a precious little fella. I'm sorry you're still hurting. I can't even imagine. :(

So Blessed said...

Hey Pam...I am sure that you are still grieving over the loss of Tucker. He sure was a precious cat and I cannot even imagine how it feels to lose your best friend as you know I have 2 in my house. Tucker was so special to you and such a huge part of your life. I'm sure he is smiling down on you and thinking, "What a wonderful momma she was to me". I love you and please let me know if you need anything.

Elizabeth said...

I just loved the video, and even got teary watching it. I know you miss him so...